15

It's currently 1:51 and I'm up for the first feeding of the night. Jonah is back to sleep but I can't get this thought out of my head:
Does anyone else remember the TV show "15"? It was on Nickelodeon when it first started as a network and was all high drama. One of the character's names was Dillon way before that name was cool.
This is what I think of at almost 2 am.

(Bitter) Sweet 16

As a new mom, I have many worries, the most shallow being my current weight. I've always had a horrible relationship with my body and I can't say that I am in a good place right now. I remember the day I decided to become bulimic--my junior year of high school when I was doing the play "It's a Wonderful Life." The only other person near to my age in that show smoked like a fiend, had horrible skin, and weighed about 100 lbs. I had been near her in rehearsals for a couple of months and one day I had just had it with myself. I always felt too big onstage, too big in life, and I wasn't going to do it anymore. I got to where I would eat half a bagel a day. That's all. I lost 30 lbs. in two months and looked great. I "maintained" my weight by walking at least 3 miles a day (every day) and throwing up food if I felt I had eaten too much. By my freshman year of college I had lost ten to fifteen more pounds and had completely f-ed up my relationship with food. I took off the 2nd semester of my sophomore year because things had gotten way out of control.
I currently am wearing a size 16. This is three sizes larger than the size I had at one time vowed to kill myself if I ever wore. I realize I had a baby two months ago and I shouldn't freak out over how I look so soon, but I do. It seems like I will never be where I want to be again, size wise. I wonder where my self control went. If I tried to eat only a bagel now I would probably faint if I didn't kill someone first. I want to somehow recapture that crazy food nazi person I used to be with a little less of the forced vomiting. Or maybe I should just find someone to convince me that Angelina Jolie really wears a size 12.

Relief

Thank God Jonah's doing better because if he wasn't, Mama would be out of her mind right now. His Prevecid seems to be working rather well, along with the medicine we got that is used for colic but actually relaxes the abdominal muscles so he won't cramp so badly. The only thing that is still a problem is spit-up. Anyone who's been around babies very long knows that spit up happens and you just kind of have to deal, but sometimes he will spit up EVERY TIME you pick him up. We've gotten used to just having burp towels everywhere (there is at least one flung somewhere in every room of the house) but the worst part is the smell. Jonah is on this special formula (which is, of course, the most expensive) because of all his tummy problems and my inability to breastfeed (long story, just know that I feel like a horrible person). It's doing very well but it stinks to high heavens out of the jug, let alone after it's been sitting in his stomach for a while and then comes out. It's the most horrible smell I've ever encountered; I'm pretty sure that smell is what they should use when training people who deal with dead and decomposing bodies. What's terrible about it is that he tends to carry this smell around with him. We tend to baby wipe his neck and face every time we even think he spit up and I bathe him at least once a day, no matter how tired I am, or I end up with a very stinky baby, and not the poop stink (although, let me tell you, that is LOVELY too).
I was freaking out that he wasn't on track developmentally. Most 8 week olds (yes, he's that old!) by now are picking their heads up and smiling all the time and following toys with their eyes. Jonah is still working on the head pick up, is just starting to smile, and seems like any toy I show him doesn't exist. I, of course, was convinced that my child was autistic, until someone much less stressed who has more sleep than I, reminded me that he's really only supposed to be just about four weeks old. Just because a baby is born early doesn't mean he is really that age. I've been told to gauge his developmental milestones based on his due date, not his actual birthdate, since the first three, almost four weeks of his life were spent much the same way they were in the womb, sleeping, eating, and growing. If I do that, he's right on track, maybe even a little ahead, with his age group. All the milestones tend to even out around two or so; it's just keeping your competitive instincts out of it until then (I'd hate to have to beat down someone because they said Jonah was behind their child who was born around the same time).
Yale and I are adjusting to having Jonah here, Yale I think better than I am. At first I was so paranoid that I wasn't doing the "right" thing. I had this idea that I was supposed to be able to do everything: cleaning, cooking, errands, baby care, etc. I hit a mental wall around five-six weeks postpartum. I couldn't do all of these things and the ones I was doing I didn't think I was doing very well at all. I was convinced Jonah didn't like me and that if I wasn't around things wouldn't be any different. First, the doctor put me on a different anti-depressant (the one I was on, Zoloft, I had been put on because I was trying to breastfeed, but that wasn't working--neither the breastfeeding nor the Zoloft). Second, I realized that I wasn't required nor expected to do everything and that asking for help isn't terrible. Third, Yale and I needed a BREAK! We weren't expecting Jonah so soon and we hadn't really had time to prepare mentally to be taking care of a baby, let alone a baby who had all the things wrong with him that we've been dealing with. Luckily, my parents and Yale's mom have been taking turns keeping Jonah when we need a breather or just extra sleep. Since my dad retired he's just across the street and I can take Jonah over there during the day if I need to do something and Yale's mom doesn't work so she has been more than willing to help. I didn't realize that sometimes you just need someone to hold the baby while you try and do laundry or wash bottles or whatever. My parents have also been keeping him on Saturday nights, which means Yale and I usually take Ambien and go to sleep by 8:30. I'm such an independent person that it's hard for me to ask for help, but I've learned to never refuse free babysitting, especially when the baby in question has been up all night screaming because he prefers to sleep on someone, not in his cradle (yes, he's already that spoiled :-)).
What sucks is having to disappoint people. We've made plans with Andy and Rachel probably a million times, that have had to be canceled because we have a sick little guy. I'm reluctant to plan to do anything with people because I don't know what will come up and I feel horrible canceling if I have to. I know people understand, I just hate to be that flaky.
On another note, Jonah loves background noise, so I've been recording lots of TV shows for us to watch during the day. Last night I recorded one about the Duggar family from Arkansas. They have 17 children, another on the way, and their oldest just got married. Last night's special was about him proposing to his wife. Both of them are 20, have known each other for two years, and didn't even kiss until they got married. I totally understand if people want to wait to have sex until marriage (what with all the STDs and shit out there) but it is a foreign concept to me about the not kissing until marriage (not the first I've heard of this--a girl I went to middle school with waited for her first kiss with her husband until they got married and I'm sure if she had felt this way at the time would have waited for her first kiss ever until she got married). I think it's an interesting concept and in some historical cultures kissing is considered more intimate that actually having sex (I know that in the past, Japanese prostitutes had a special, almost taboo, lovemaking technique--kissing). But honestly, a peck on the cheek? A kiss on the top of the head? Simple signs of affection aren't allowed. Only hand holding. And they have to have chaperons wherever they go--because the two individuals', after having made this commitment, can't be trusted? Strange. I don't understand. Also, here's an observation: a shot of them reading the Bible while driving. Dangerous? I think so.

Tummy Trouble

We have been having a time with Jonah lately. For the 1st three weeks of his life, he was the perfect baby--sleeping and eating on a self-imposed schedule and only crying when he needed food (he is one of those who likes to sit in a wet diaper, yuck!). Lately, however, he has been screaming for seemingly no reason except that he was obviously in pain.
Well, like any internet savvy mother, I WebMD'd his symptoms and found that he most likely had reflux. I called the Dr. who proscribed Zantac. Great, I thought, this is going to be over soon and my wonderful baby will be back. Not so fast, sister.
First, Jonah hated the taste of the Zantac so it was difficult to get him to take it. Then I spilled half the bottle trying to get him to take it. Finally it didn't seem to be working at all. He would still have these screaming fits and be writhing in pain, so much so that I dreaded feeding him and he wouldn't be getting hardly any sleep at night.
Yesterday I took him to the doctor and he was checked over thoroughly. Nothing blocking the stomach or intestines, that he could tell, and it just seems that the Zantac wouldn't work for him. Now he's on baby Prevecid and seems to be doing better, but we'll see. I really hope this works, because if it doesn't, I don't know what to do.

An Aside

Is anyone else watching Project Runway and Top Design? I record them and watch them when I am home with Little Man and have some very strong opinions on both.
Project Runway: Korto needs to win. If anyone thinks differently, they haven't been watching the show. She has not turned out anything that looks crappy or is ugly. She has never been in the bottom and is completely consistent. I would LOVE her to design something for me!
At first I hated Blayne but I was actually sad to see him go. I am so over Kennley. She is good at what she does but not everyone looks right in a 40s style dress with flowered print and tulle. Show something new!
Top Design: It's still early, but right now I like Andrea and Eddie. Andrea has great taste and isn't so hung up on modern design, the way lots of designers can be. Eddie is WAY hyper and makes me nervous when they follow him, but I think he's really talented. He has a great eye for style. We'll see what happens this week.
What's with the Thai guy? He drives me crazy. Stop giggling and WORK. Cary shouldn't have gone home last week but he did because he got Giggly for a partner who SUCKS. I really can't wait for him to leave.

Please, anyone else watching either show, share your thoughts.

Think Before You Act

While I try to keep this blog about Jonah and his life, I just couldn't help but post this. I feel it has a connection because I don't want my little boy to grow up in a world where this behavior is a very real possibility.

Palin's town charged women for rape exams

ANCHORAGE, Alaska (CNN) -- Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's hometown required women to pay for their own rape examinations while she was mayor, a practice her police chief fought to keep as late as 2000.

A former Alaskan lawmaker says it seems unlikely that Gov. Sarah Palin was unaware of Wasilla's policy.

Former state Rep. Eric Croft, a Democrat, sponsored a state law requiring cities to provide the examinations free of charge to victims. He said the only ongoing resistance he met was from Wasilla, where Palin was mayor from 1996 to 2002.

"It was one of those things everyone could agree on except Wasilla," Croft told CNN. "We couldn't convince the chief of police to stop charging them."

Alaska's Legislature in 2000 banned the practice of charging women for rape exam kits -- which experts said could cost up to $1,000.

Palin, the Republican nominee for vice president, often talks about her experience running Wasilla, population approximately 7,000, and that has prompted close scrutiny of her record there. Wasilla's practice of charging victims for their rape exams while she was mayor has gotten wide circulation on the Internet and in the mainstream media. Watch CNN's Jessica Yellin check the facts in Wasilla »

Some supporters of Palin say they believe she had no knowledge of the practice. But critics call it "outrageous" and question Palin's commitment to helping women who are the victims of violence.

For years, Alaska has had the worst record of any state in rape and in murder of women by men. The rape rate in Alaska is 2.5 times the national average.

Interviews and a review of records turned up no evidence that Palin knew that rape victims were being charged in her town. But Croft, the former state representative who sponsored the law changing the practice, says it seems unlikely Palin was not aware of the issue.

"I find it hard to believe that for six months a small town, a police chief, would lead the fight against a statewide piece of legislation receiving unanimous support and the mayor not know about it," Croft said.

During the time Palin was mayor of Wasilla, her city was not the only one in Alaska charging rape victims. Experts testified before the Legislature that in a handful of small cities across Alaska, law enforcement agencies were charging victims or their insurance "more than sporadically."

One woman who wrote in support of the legislation says she was charged for her rape exam by a police department in the city of Juneau, which is hundreds of miles from Wasilla.

But Wasilla stood out. Tara Henry, a forensic nurse who has been treating rape victims across Alaska for the last 12 years, told CNN that opposition to Croft's bill from Wasilla Police Chief Charlie Fannon was memorable.

"Several municipal law enforcement agencies in the state did have trouble budgeting and paying for the evidence collection for sexual assault victims," Henry said. "What I recall is that the chief of police in the Wasilla police department seemed to be the most vocal about how it was going to affect their budget."

Croft has a similar memory. He said victims' advocates suggested he introduce legislation as a way to shame cities into changing their practice, and Wasilla resisted.

"I remember they had continued opposition," Croft said. "It was eight years ago now, but they were sort of unrepentant that they thought the taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for that."

He does not recall discussing the issue with then-Mayor Palin.

The bill, HB270, was before the legislature for six months. In testimony, one expert called the practice of billing the victim "incomprehensible." Others compared it to "dust[ing] for fingerprints" after a burglary, only "the victim's body is the crime scene."

During a rape exam, the victim removes her clothing and a medical professional gathers DNA evidence from her body. There is also a medical component to assess her injuries. That component has led some law enforcement agencies to balk at paying.

Henry, the forensic nurse, said charging victims "retraumatizes them."

"Asking them to pay for something law enforcement needs in order to investigate their case, it's almost like blaming them for getting sexually assaulted," she said.

The Alaska Legislature agreed. The bill passed unanimously with the support of the Alaska Department of Public Safety, the Alaska Peace Officers Association and more than two dozen co-sponsors.

After it became law, Wasilla's police chief told the local paper, The Frontiersman, that it would cost the city $5,000 to $14,000 a year -- money that he'd have to find.

"In the past, we've charged the cost of the exams to the victim's insurance company when possible," Fannon was quoted as saying. "I just don't want to see any more burden on the taxpayer."

He suggested the criminals should pay as restitution if and when they're convicted. Repeated attempts to reach Fannon for comment were unsuccessful.

Judy Patrick, who was Palin's deputy mayor and friend, blames the state.

"The bigger picture of what was going on at the time was that the state was trying to cut their own budget, and one of the things that they were doing was passing on costs to cities, and that was one of the many things that they were passing on, the cost to the city," said Patrick, who recalls enormous pressure to keep the city's budget down.

But the state was never responsible for paying the costs of local investigations. Patrick was also a member of Wasilla City Council, and she doesn't recall the issue coming before council members, nor does she remember discussing the issue with Palin.

She does recall Palin going through the budget in detail. She said Palin would review each department's budget line by line and send it back to department heads with her changes.

"Sarah is a fiscal conservative, and so she had seen that the city was heading in a direction of bigger projects, costing taxpayers more money, and she was determined to change that," Patrick said.

Before Palin came to City Hall, the Wasilla Police Department paid for rape kits out of a fund for miscellaneous costs, according to the police chief who preceded Fannon and was fired by Palin. That budget line was cut by more than half during Palin's tenure, but it did not specifically mention rape exams.

In a statement, Jill Hazelbaker, communications director for Sen. John McCain's presidential campaign, said that "to imply that Gov. Palin is or has ever been an advocate of charging victims for evidence gathering kits is an utter distortion of reality."

"As her record shows, Gov. Palin is committed to supporting victims and bringing violent criminals to justice," Hazelbaker said. "She does not, nor has she ever believed that rape victims should have to pay for an evidence gathering test."

Those who fought the policy are unconvinced.

"It's incomprehensible to me that this could be a rogue police chief and not a policy decision. It lasted too long and it was too high-profile," Croft said.

The rape kit charges have become an issue among Palin critics who say as governor she has not done enough to combat Alaska's epidemic problem of violence against women. They point to a small funding increase for domestic violence shelters at a time when Alaska has a multibillion-dollar budget surplus. Victims' advocates say that services are lacking and that Palin cut funding for a number of programs that treat female victims of violence.

In the past week, Alaska's challenges with sexual assault have been in the spotlight again -- in connection with an ongoing inquiry into whether Palin abused her power by firing the head of Alaska's Department of Public Safety. Palin's office released e-mails showing that one area of disagreement between her and Department of Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan was his lobbying in Washington for $30 million to fund a new program of sexual assault response teams.

The McCain-Palin campaign insists that fighting domestic violence and sexual assault are priorities for Palin. And they say she has been looking at other programs to support. As governor, Palin approved a funding increase for domestic violence shelters -- $266,200 over two years. And she reauthorized a Council on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/09/21/palin.rape.exams/index.html

Busy Busy

I promise I will finish the birth story as soon as I get some extra energy.
Jonah is doing very well--he's weighing in around 8 lbs. and is a very good baby. He only cries when he's hungry and that is very easily remedied. I am totally in love!