Stop yelling at me!

I have been watching a lot of TV this summer and have seen some scary/strange commercials

1.) The black bearded man that sells everything from OxyClean and the Awesome Auger to health insurance. Something odd? WHY DOES HE ALWAYS YELL? No matter if he's hocking the Hercules Hook or Super Putty, he always yells at me. Perhaps I would buy your product sir if I didn't feel like you were some modern kind of circus barker trying to get me to see the bearded lady.
2.) There was an ad for the newest Nora Roberts book that could have been confused for a Hallmark commercial. Now I like a good Nora Roberts as much as the next woman, but a book that primarily deals with "romance" (i.e. sex) doesn't seem like one I would buy for all of my nearest and dearest. Maybe that's just me...
3.) On any commercial for a pet product, I'm pretty sure that the animals are drugged. On one Pet Meds commercial, this little Beagle looks like he's about to keel over. He's panting and staring blankly into space. Now maybe he just went to his happy place, which I may have done if the creepy guy playing the vet had his hands on me, but it was rather disturbing. Also, there is one for a nail file that is supposed to be less traumatizing. Now I would buy this if I actually thought my dogs would sit still like the nice Collie in the commercial, but I have a feeling Deucie would do exactly what he does now, sit on his paws and lick my hands to keep me from trimming his long long nails.
4.) They still have the "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial. I'm not kidding. They also have interviews from people who I'm pretty sure have passed away since filming happened. Cheap bastards, waiting until people are dead so they don't have to pay residuals.
5.) The Sonic Knife is apparently designed for people who are retarded. If you press all of your weight on your sandwich while trying to cut it with a butter knife, you're going to end up with a smushed sandwich--duh! Also, who really needs to cut a steel pipe with a knife? Just a question.

Other honorable mentions: the ShamWow!, Green Bags, Listen Up!, and My Lil' Reminder

Now I know why people hire surrogates

The last couple of weeks has not been that great. I've really started feeling the heaviness of the baby and it's really exhausting. I'll wake up in the morning feeling fine, but by lunch time I'm beat. I am really sick of not being able to do anything without feeling like I've been run over by a truck. Saturday I stayed in bed, literally, all day. While I'm trying to get the house ready for the baby (and for me to manage after the baby) I really can't do anything without having to rest, so it's taking double the time. On top of all that, whenever I lay down somewhere I can't get comfortable. I feel like one of those obese people they have to cut out of their houses because the only place I really like to be is in bed, but that just makes me feel disgusting.
I'm also pretty much not having any luck in the eating department. I'm a pretty strange eater anyway (I could find one food and eat it at every meal for weeks) but it's gotten even worse. I don't know if it's just because he's getting bigger, but I can't eat much at a meal and I honestly can't find anything I really want to eat, except, of course, things I can't have. I am very sad that I can't eat the feta cheese sauce at Keifer's--I actually asked the Dr. and she said that while she was pregnant she asked to see the container they got it from but it was all in Greek so she couldn't tell if it was pasteurized. Things I want to eat: sushi, a BLT wrap from Keifer's with the feta sauce, and a huge roast beef sandwich. Boo on pasteurization.
On a brighter note, Jonah is moving constantly, which is pretty funny. I was making fun of Yale about something the other day and Jonah kicked me REALLY HARD in the ribs. He was defending his daddy, apparently. It's not so cool when he starts kicking my bladder, as it seems that I am in the bathroom all the time anyway, but if I shift positions it throws him off a bit and he has to figure out how he's been turned.
We got tomorrow for another sonogram--this one we should get measurements and stuff to see how developed he is (and see how close he should come to his due date). Wish us luck!

Mirror Mirror On the Wall...

Waiting for the train to New Orleans this past weekend. A picture that shows what I see when I look in the mirror. :-)

Ugh

Not feeling well today. Really tired and vaguely nauseous. Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.
I almost set the house on fire this morning because the heating element in our stove needs replacing and I didn't know it until I saw about a 1-inch flame in the bottom of the oven. It can be replaced, luckily, because Yale and I have very little luck with appliance purchases, plus we aren't exactly in the market to spend the amount needed to replace a stove as we do have the little one coming soon.
My parents' neighbor is convinced Jonah is going to be a girl. Since there is a pretty clear penis on the ultrasound, I'm betting he's wrong.
We're going to New Orleans this weekend for a friend's wedding and we're taking the train down. It ended up being just about the same price as if we drove and we don't actually have to do any thinking, just ride. I'm really excited--hopefully I'll be feeling better and it won't be TOO hot, although I am counting on the lovely people of New Orleans to take pity on the little mama and offer her some iced tea.
I'm obsessed with buying a new house although I don't know why. Our house is wonderful and I love it. I just have so much crap that I for some reason have deemed necessities and it's full full full. I wish someone would come in and just throw shit away without my knowing and get rid of stuff. I have pairs of shoes that I haven't worn in years, yet I can't bring myself to part with them. The same with purses. Anyone want to come and going shopping in my closet? I promise the prices will be cheap (in fact, Yale may pay you to take some of it). I think I'm just restless. I can't do a lot of stuff (i.e. cleaning out closets) but I know they need to be done and I feel like I'm just sitting my lazy ass around the house doing nothing. It's frustrating and at the same time I don't want to get started on a project that can't be finished before Jonah gets here.
Maybe New Orleans will be the perfect thing to distract me from this crazy idea I've gotten in my head. Here's hoping!

The Last Trimester: The Final Frontier

I have officially hit the third and final trimester--I now see my doctor every other week. These visits mostly consist of, "So, how are you feeling?" "Great!" "Great!" although at my last appointment my iron was really low, so I've started on iron pills which just really makes your stomach hate you. I'm researching high iron foods so that I might be able to start cutting out some doses of the pills just to make my digestive system happy again.
It's also gotten VERY awkward to move. I've gained about 25-30 lbs. so that is strange to begin with--carrying around that much extra weight. But the really strange part is that it's mostly out in front and while one can bend at the waist, it's not very efficient/comfortable, so the pregnancy squat (isn't that a lovely word?) commences.
I went to the Beau Rivage with my mom and got THE best pedicure I've ever had. I'm not a fan of other people doing anything to my feet, but I must say that I would willingly pay just about any price to be able to get one of those every other week. I also got a prenatal massage, but I must say I liked the pedicure better.
While on the coast we also went to outlet malls and bought Jonah way too many new clothes. He's going to be a very well dressed little boy. It killed me to see the little onesies sized "Premie." They were tiny--they could have fit on a toy chihuahua. The only thing I kept thinking was, "Stay in there Jonah, stay in there." I'm pretty sure he got it because he's been kicking non-stop.
I've had multiple people (including myself) tell me they've had dreams that he will come in August, not September. I really hope not. August is such a bad month, school wise, for kids, especially boys. They're either the oldest in their class or the youngest. The oldest get into more trouble and the youngest are usually always a little behind, maturity wise. I want a nice, full-term, September baby, let's hope nature cooperates.
Jonah is quite the little traveler before he's even born! We went to Birmingham for a wedding, I went to the coast with my mom, we're going to New Orleans for another wedding (don't worry, I got a different dress than the one I ended up hating from Birmingham), and we might make it to another wedding on the coast in July--I don't know about the travel restrictions I'll be under yet. I know I officially can't fly anymore without doctor's permission.
Warning: rant about to happen. The dress I ended up hating from the Birmingham wedding was actually a replacement dress. I had the prettiest black dress that I bought for almost nothing that was a Mimi Maternity--not a cheap line of clothes. However, as I got nearer and nearer the wedding and tried the damn thing on, it no longer fit--and not the belly or ass as one my think. Nope, it wouldn't zip over my boobs. MY boobs. I've never thought myself that well endowed and I still see people all the time that are bigger than I am currently (I refer to them as melon boobs) so how does the maternity line not fit in the chest but still fit everywhere else? I can't size up because the top is then too big, but this is precisely what I had to do for the replacement dress for the B-ham wedding. It was too big and I was very self-conscious, which wasn't helped by the fact that apparently no one has ever seen a pregnant woman before because everyone now stares at me. There, that's my rant. Maternity clothes should fit right, especially when you don't feel that little and cute anymore. I did find a much better dress at Target in the Liz Lang maternity line so I'm pleased to report I won't look like the retarded cousin that only gets let out for special occasions.

Posh Spice

Is that Victoria Beckham? No, but it is me doing my best to convince myself I am not quite the size of an 18-Wheeler. Yale says I'm sneering.

Things a Pregnant Woman Should Never Do

1) Buy a bathing suit. Somehow the heat has boiled my brain and made me think that getting a bathing suit was a smashing idea. I ordered from Old Navy and will be sending it back.

2) Go to the mall. Today I went to buy makeup and ended up waddling behind some 5'10", blond, tan, 17 year old whose legs would go to my neck if they belonged to me. She had on a pair of shorts that had an inseam of, at the longest, 2". Bitch.

3) Wear sack dresses. They don't emphasize the pregnancy, they just make you look fat. Not cool, not cool at all.